The Lense Is Dirty: Change it Please

This Sucks! This always happens! It doesn't even matter! Why do I even try? Who cares! Does this sound like anyone you know? If this is anyone you know or words that have been leaving YOUR lips, you may want to reconstruct who you surround yourself with or what I like to call "reframe the brain." Rotten fruit is infectious. Let's be real... life sucks, but you know what sucks more? Trying to make the best of it, through every tough time, dreadful day, challenge and being engulfed by your own negative self-talk or someone else’s incapability to see the bright light even in a dark tunnel. Remember that time machine from my last blog post? Buckle up. We are going for a ride again.

I could sit...like a parent at bedtime reading their bright-eyed creation a story before they tuck them in, in their fire truck bed.... and go on for a lifetime about all the two-legged, loud-mouthed beings I shared my energy with and how their sludge filled words effected my energy, though it would take up a lot of YOUR time (and possibly fill a landfill), and I don't want to take your time, I want to make your time better. In turn, I will share those I see most fit.

Our first stop in the time machine is at Fort Riley, Kansas. It is here young Ashley spent almost 3 years of her life, married to a man in the Army. It is there she faced some of her darkest times. She had followed him there from New Jersey as she came from a chaotic home life and could not decipher how poor of a decision this truly was. Remember Manuel? We are not going to dive too deep (yet), BUT I will tell you: Manuel and Ashley met in high school and a friendship unraveled. A friendship that set the clock for a 6 plus year time block.  Manuel and Ashley were two vastly different people. Two vastly different people that should have walked two vastly different lives. You see, Manuel was very much infatuated with himself, his life, his needs, his career, his friends, his family, his goals, his child-like sense of humor, and his dream of becoming a pilot. Not Ashley. Looking back, I glorify his selfishness and ability to take and take. Ashley, on the other hand had an infatuation with Manuel because Manuel was exactly where Ashley came from: chaos. You see, Ashley had a sense of what she wanted in life, though her greatest desire at the time, was to be a wonderful wife, and a wonderful she was... though with a wonderful cost. With Ashley having no direction and Manuel having all the direction, Manuel seemed to deem Ashley as a servant. On one occasion, young married Ashley cooked a beautiful meal, Manuel adored the meal, only to shout "Last one at the table, cleans the dishes!" and run upstairs at the speed of a Nascar race driver, to leave Ashley to perform her maid-like duties. Many years went by like this. Many years, where young Ashley was blinded. Years that involved Manuel making messes to clean in the home and in the brain. During those years, Manuel creeped in Ashleys ears with his sludge. You see, Manuel crawled into my ears with his words of "You can't do that" when I would conjure possible dreams. "Your ideas are stupid" he would say. "I don't care about this conversation". "This is unimportant". "Why are you wearing that?". I could keep going, though there is no need-you get the point, don't you? I reached a milestone in my downfall with a lack-of confidence when I truly began to believe that my ideas were in fact stupid and like Manuel said, "I could not do anything right". This frame of mind flowed like a river in everything I did. It blossomed. It bloomed an ugly flower. No matter how hard I tried, with a root of no confidence and unsureness, no matter where my efforts were placed, I did not succeed. Work hard, yes. Thrive? Absolutely not. Why? You cannot grow a garden in cement. The rotten fruit had infected me. The sludge slowed me down so much that I fell into a depressive fog. Dead end jobs. No degree. The fog never seemed to lift off for takeoff just like Ashley's dreams for years. But I was a good wife, right? Luckily, Manuel cheated on Ashley enough he realized it was time to leave her as she no longer fit his puzzle, but I love the jigsaw with which I was left.

When we split, I had not a clue what I was to do with my life. I had not an ounce of self-worth left in my tank. I still remember the hollowness, the alone feeling. The shower cries. The late-night calls for support. The self-talks filled with lies and tries. The understanding that you gave your time that you will never get back to a person who did nothing but break you down. Year after year. Things were messy. It took 2 years. 2 years to understand how beautiful of a woman I truly am. 2 years to feel safe. 2 years to feel beautiful in my own skin. 2 years to understand how bright my ideas are. How soft my soul is. How genuine my intentions are. How top tier my work ethic is. 2 years to understand everything I have to say is important-not to everyone-but to me. 2 years to understand, YES, I can do that. Your sludge is gone.

What is the point of you telling me this sob story, you are thinking, right? The sludge behind your front door, in the bed you share with your partner, and the words that dance around you that you hear on a daily basis are more crucial than you think in your overall success. You cannot achieve all you set out to in this life with a dinner of doubt and a dessert of deprecation through deliverance of another being. You truly, are worth so much more. It is not worth the time nor the space in which you share. Be honest with me, has someone pushed you to doubt yourself and your abilities with their sludge?

Rebuild your internal belief system. We can do it together if you want to take my hand.

Understand your love for yourself. Remove the sludge.

How did I gain a sense of self? I learned about what I loved. Who knew how much I loved plants, Indian food, pole fitness, the beach, an IMMENSE amount of dad jokes (I make them), and writing? You must lose yourself though to do so. At least I feel you do. To know who you are you must go "Who am I?". That's the first step. It is a slow process.

When I spoke words, I believed them-not at first. When I spoke, I stuck solid and did not sway even if someone did not agree with me. This gained traction in confidence.

I picked a direction, and I walked it. If it failed, this was not an exam. It was only my chance to try again. This was my life, and I could redo it and do it again. And again. The failure, the fall, the build allowed me to know that I can do anything I put my mind to. You can too.

For a long time, I woke up and I hated life and everything. Everything sucked. I sucked. You sucked. This sucked. Misery loves company. So does every miserable thought you have.

I started to make progress with my misery when I stopped giving it friends. "Today is going to be a good day." I spat. Even if the day felt terrible. Some days I woke up unsure, some days I lied to myself in saying it was a good day because I felt the opposite, and some days I wanted to take ten steps back to the shell of a person I was. What was my brain training doing anyway? As time passed, month after month cleared the clock. All my positive self-talk and belief in myself lit up the night with a glow and a new perspective on life. My cheeks were rosy again and my eyes burned out the sadness ingrained in them. I understood who I was and began to turn my walk into a jog and then my jog into run, and finally my jog into a sprint.

How did you turn your jog into a sprint?

Is your seatbelt on again? I am hitting the gas. Not to worry, this time jump is short as it is quite recent in the book of Ashley.

Justin (His name is not actually Justin). Oh.. Justin. Justin was the most beautiful, most pure form of love Ashley ever had the chance of tasting. Gross, right? Justin's love was something you read about in a fairy tale, until it became like a horror movie you lay shaking in bed at 1am fearful, unsure, and scared from. It haunts you even after you shut it off the tv. Like a cancer, it makes you sad as you trace over the hair that has fallen off your head. Justin was the sharpest dagger of all because Justin was actually healthy.. in the beginning. Justin and Ashley met at the dog park in South Florida. Justin and Ashley fell together like the tides at the beach I live only moments away from. JASHLEY (I could throw up) LIVED life together the way it was meant to be lived. We traveled. We laughed. We grew. Life was not kind to Justin and Ashley, though they rocked through it like ACDC. Everyone has demons, through Justin had some scary ones. Ones that you tell to go away. Ones you run from. Ones that go bump in the night. Ones that pop out intermittently. Intermittently is the key word. Anyone who has encountered someone with anger management difficulty will understand my reference. If you need a hint: despite Ashley's beauty, deliverance of positive talk, devotion, and support, Justin repeatedly combatted Ashley with skyscraper high negativity levels as well as misplacement of emotions on an extreme level. Justin had a bad day at work? That 30-minute lunch break Ashley had to eat came in handy for that. Justin was not happy about a situation he was facing? Oh, Ashley had the pep talk ready for that. Time after time, Ashley took time out of her day to offer endless speeches of intellectual offerings to make sure Justin knew things were going to get better and taught him how to reframe. Ashley taught Justin to remind himself of all he has faced instead of thinking "this sucks." or being an emotion, rather than having an emotion. I cannot count on my hands the amount of phone calls, I took, that caused me to be late back to my job I had worked so hard to get that involved Justin unloading a sea of complaints like I was nothing but an unloading zone. I recall returning to work riddled with anxiety and uncomfortable, wishing I had the ability to make everything better for the man I loved. I recall so many I am sorry's and so many "I love you. I forgive you."

When Justin and I would go out on the town, Justin judged people. Justin loved to talk. Talk he did about everything he hated. Everything he thinks should change. Everything that makes him unhappy. Everything that showered its droplets of negativity into the world. I, at one point was Justin just with different parts, but I grew to be different through repetitive efforts of self-talk and redirection. Not for long, by Justins side. I began to huff at everything. I began to judge the small areas of life I had not before. I began to spew spats of dark statements. Where were they coming from?

Have you ever seen a cobra dance? Snakes are charming and beautiful too. Justin was charming but under the surface a cobra danced in the darkness, and Ashley knew all too well how to dance. Dance she did. Everyone has done a dance for love. A dance that lead them into the starry night with no stars.

Ashley did not realize, though as she gave away her light for his to grow brighter, hers was becoming darker. So dark, her outlook on life changed. Even so, now.

I plan to sit you down again for story time about Justin, though for now my dear, I will tell you: Justin and Ashley do not have a beautiful ending in this abyss. Justin discarded Ashley after his usage of her. After his take of all the positive talks. Despite all the early wake ups to cheer him on, all the time taken. Justins’ demons got their way and a feast from feeding their hungry mouths from the energy she gave. What am I trying to tell you now, you said? You could be the seed-filled strawberry, glistening in the grocery story ready to brighten someone’s day, but if their fruit has any rot, you might not glisten the way you did on that grocery store shelf. Protect your seeds. If you have "friends" that do nothing but downplay the beautiful potential you or this life has to offer, it may be time to offer them the door. Weights are heavy to carry. Without them you can be more agile. This applies to work environments too where everyone is miserable, judgmental, and hateful. What are you even doing there, seriously?

Do not be a prisoner to the darkness of someone else. If you have found yourself becoming an unpaid cheerleader for someone else, so much so that you feel tired on a Wednesday, you may need to make an exit or have a sit down to find common ground. If you have the sit down, though and the “clouds” speak of winds of change, though the winds never blow, it might not be your words, but rather the “cloud”. Bring out the sun and away with the clouds. If you do not do away with the clouds, the clouds that don't belong to you may cause rain you did not forecast. Rain that will cause weather that dampens your conversations, how bright the day is, your motivation, and good-hearted nature. Do you really want to carry an umbrella?

Before I say goodbye for a few days, I want to touch on toxic positivity. I would love to sit here and speak all about floof and do right, but I love to keep it real. Sometimes life just really smells. When it stinks its stank, I do not want you to close your nose and eyes and go "If I say it’s better, it's perfect" because that is not the nature of our reality. The nature of our reality is that we are emotion filled life forces, but with emotions comes responsibility. Feel your feelings. Feel ALL the feelings, but do understand, the same way we have fingernails, we are NOT fingernails. Remember: the words you speak will become your reality. The more life you breathe into whatever reality you want to live, will be what you begin to feel and see. Did you know your brain releases different chemicals for negative self-talk and different chemicals for positive self-talk? You are actually changing your perspective as well as your brain chemicals.

When you have a rotten egg of a day, it is okay to let it be stinky but do not let that be your entire day, and certainly do not pour it on anyone else.  If they wanted to have your day, they would have lived it. If there is one thing I could go back and tell myself, it would be to allow people to have their day. Sometimes no I am sorry is needed, sometimes no conversation is needed, sometimes no time invested in their emotions at all is needed, but rather just a "I understand" or a "I hear you." Understand that not everything needs to be perfect or okay in this moment. Make peace with the uncomfortable. Sit in it. Embrace it.

Don't go! I have one last question. Do you have your glasses on? If you do, are your lenses dirty? If they are, think of your lenses as the perspective and words of others effecting your view on life. Are they dirtying your lenses? Those whom I surrounded myself dirtied mine. If the Lense is dirty, change it please.