The first time you did it, how did you feel? No, get your mind out of the gutter! I am talking about the very first time you put thought and effort into doing something for yourself. It does not have to be big to do the job. A dinner, a mani-pedi, treating yourself to a day trip on an adventure you have been wanting to go on, or even dressing up in your favorite fit. How did you feel about yourself when you did? Did you feel a sense of self love, overall well-being, and elevated confidence towards oneself? Did it carry into the following days? I hope all your answers to these questions involve an overall sense of joy. Let’s flip the script and flip the light on to the corner of the room we don’t want to look it. When you felt alone did it bring you to higher places and are you grateful for aloneness?
You see, I spent a lot of my life alone. Surrounded by people but solo in presence. Even in my marriage (And relationships to follow), I was always alone. Often, I was physically alone as my ex-husband used to flow the words like a river: "My family will always come first." While we were stationed together (he was in the Army), he would fly home to his grandparents, mother, and extended family letting me know "The dogs and you aren't family." I spent Christmas' alone, Thanksgiving’s alone. Birthdays alone. This carried for many years as my background is as sturdy as a wet piece of paper holding up a shelf. I had normalized being alone so heavily that I mended myself with the aloneness. I danced with it. I fell in love with it. So much so, I began to favor it.
Don't say sorry or feel any sense of empathy, I don't want it. What I want is for you to understand how grateful I am. Grateful for being forced to be alone in some of my saddest and darkest times because they turned into my most beautiful times with myself. Once you understand my gratitude, I want you to feel it too if you had to dance with it too.
I surveyed how the overall ideology of being alone is viewed. I concluded based off the numerous collective statements of "I hate being alone", most of us prefer the accompaniment of another person. Why though? Have you ever sat and thought about it? I am not talking about partners or the want for friends as that is healthy but rather the want to never be hand in hand with your own soul. I have dived deep in this string of thought processing. The times I hated being alone most were tied to the lack thereof of internal peace, lack of understanding of myself, unsureness of the world and fear of it, and heightened amounts of anxiety due to unaddressed internal and external matters that needed to be healed or handled.
It is in my late nights, solo candle lit baths, romantic dinners for one, adventures featuring only me, and life events celebrating only with myself that I truly began to understand who I was, what I was capable of, and what I wanted in this life as well as what I was willing to get there.
I do not want to take up too much of your screen time, but I would love to share just a little glimpse of what I am ranting about.
Despite being a "good kid", my upbringing was far from "good". We will not go for a swim in that pool right now, I just wanted you to see the construction of my foundation. I had to care for myself in more ways than one should at a young age. Married young. It makes me laugh now to recall hearing my ex-husband say, "we are married now, that lovey dovey sh*t is over”, when I climbed atop his lap shortly after we got married or all the cold nights, he spent facing the other way for years. Alone I was in the bed with another beating heart.
While married, my ex-husband was shipped off to Germany. There he found fun in other women as I struggled financially. He used our funds issued to care for the expenses of the home to buy alcohol as I was left to foot the bill for rent. At one point, my lights in the home went out as I could not afford the energy bill. Alone in the dark. How bad could it be? Oh, but the alone could get worse.
In the home I lived in at the time, there was a water leak. The leak caused a $700 water bill. The landlord was wretched and refused to fix the leak until the bill was paid. It made no sense, but nothing makes sense when you are poor and alone, you just have to make sense of it and make do. Do you know what it is like to not be able to shower or use the bathroom in your own home for 6 months? Have you ever stood so low to pee in a sink or a tub because the bathroom was a frigid long, desperate, car ride away? Alone. Alone to be a revolving door of a person feeling like a failure using your friend’s bathroom until you can afford to turn your water and lights on.
I mopped up the mess. Completely alone. I worked day and night and dug myself out. Oh, but it got better, right? No. My ex-husband "took on" the responsibility of paying our car insurance. Or so he said. He said wrong. I got into a car accident only to find that he had not been caring for it and our insurance policy had cancelled 4 months prior (according to the nice lady on the phone). I lost my license for two years. For two years I fought a court battle. Alone I advocated for myself. Alone I lost.
My dear ex-husband and I split, and I moved into my best friend’s home. I lived in her and her husband’s guest bedroom. Alone. To rebuild my life, I enlisted in the Navy and drove myself and my dogs to New Jersey to prep for shipping out. Alone. I drove a two-day trip. Kansas to New Jersey.
I shipped out for the Navy only to make it to week seven of training and snap my tibia. A bodily car accident of imagery on the lit up x-ray screen. Alone, sleepless, and broken in the presence of other people. I shipped home. Alone in the home of the wet paper foundation.
I moved out to Florida for a fresh start. Originally, I moved here with someone, but I learned the hard way: you truly learn who people are when you live with them. I moved out as quick I moved in with her. Alone again. No friends. No family. Florida.
Alone in my apartment I dumped $5000 to move in. I lived in a neighborhood where you lock your doors. At one point, I looked out my window only to find a peeping tom. Peeping tom began to stalk me. Peeping tom followed me home, stood in the yard watching, and followed me like a duckling follows their mother.
I was a roofer at the time. Our hours were sliced and diced with a large knife due to the rain. I was not making enough to survive. The weight would become heavier. As the rain fell abducting my hours and peeping Tom stood watch, my ex-husband gave me a housewarming gift. To my dismay, I discovered through communicating with the bank that my ex-husband phoned in like a jeopardy game show, impersonated me with all of my information, hop-scotched $4000 from my account into his.
Alone and scared. Only peeping Tom to make sure all was safe.
For 3 months, I fought. Alone.
By the grace of my hard work and what watches over me, the bank issued me my paper that runs our society, and I landed a job that set me up in my career field. I made the most money I ever made, and life started to look up.
Alone and thriving.
Alone and free.
Alone and financially flourishing.
Alone and adventuring.
Alone and proud of all I overcame.
Alone and traveling.
Alone and healing.
Alone and understanding that all I went through allowed me the strength to drag myself toward a life of never giving up.
I met a man. You know the deal. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love with boy. “You’ll never be alone as long as I’m around.” You know: the wondrous wispy words. Boy breaks girls' heart over another woman.
It ended painfully. Alone, I moved myself out. Alone I moved my furniture. Alone I cried. Alone I hurt. Alone I struggled financially.
Alone… to be reminded sitting with thyself allows for me to understand what I am capable of.
What is the point of my letter soup? Was it tasty? Do I need more sauce? All my hardships with myself, and my care for myself allowed me the understanding to know what I bring to the table, how much I love myself, and remind me of all I can overcome in the future. When you know how sharp your blade is you will not let anyone, or anything dull it.
Repeatedly, I have been forced to meet the understanding that when hardships and hurdles are used as opportunities to grow, your sense of aloneness becomes more appreciated. Because of all I went through, I know everything I do for myself, I deserve. Even if you have had an ever so perfect life, you must understand that aloneness is an opportunity to shine how you sit with yourself, how you view yourself, and how you will further the ability to become one with you.
You do not need to be in the accompaniment of another person to succeed or feel "okay". Go to dinner alone (It's a lot of fun). Go to the movies alone. Go dancing alone. Go on a vacation alone. Watch your mind turn on a day of struggle: alone. Did you learn more about yourself as you did? The alone monster hides in the closet with the light off, but I am here to tell you a secret no one has: the alone monster is not real.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, if you are like me and spending it alone, know that in the wake of a day of celebrating togetherness, you can celebrate aloneness as well. Celebrate aloneness every day.
I want to close with a mind turner: What are the things that you enjoy most when you are alone and what is one memory you are fond and proud of facing alone?
Happy Early Valentines Day my Readers.
I am proud of you.
-A
Add comment
Comments